For the first time in a long time, Tresha felt free.
After her older brother died in April of 2020, the burdens she carried went beyond emotional. The pain of losing him made her feel as if her body was chained, weighed down by questions of what if.
For nearly a year, she spent every minute of the day searching for answers about her brother’s death -- answers she knew she wouldn’t find. Searching through court records and police notes and scouring autopsy photos consumed every minute of her days. It became an obsessive cycle she couldn’t break.
She lost herself during those days and entered a dark point in her life that she feared she wouldn’t be able to leave.
The relationship she and her brother had was never a simple one. Tresha and her brother had a rough history that makes the memory of her loved one complicated. Tresha believes her brother took a lot of the anger he felt inside out on her.
When he died, Tresha had not seen him for years. She became sober and felt she needed to rid her life of anything and anyone toxic, which meant a family member for her.
She chose to let him go those years ago. But when he died, Tresha said guilt plagued her. She didn’t choose to let him go then.
The family had a celebration of life for her brother in April of 2021. By twilight, they released sky lanterns in his memory. When the lantern left her hand, Tresha said it was as if the chains holding her were released, too.
“It helped me to let go completely,” Tresha said.
It felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders. She didn’t realize that the months she was grieving and regretting her brother’s death turned into a physical handicap. She felt physically chained to something she couldn’t see.
She has let go of anger, guilt, resentment and regret, yet the good and bad memories of her brother will always linger. But she feels now that she doesn’t have to figure anything out anymore. She doesn’t have to find an answer. She can breathe.
“I consciously made the choice to let all of it go,” Tresha said. “You can breathe. That’s what it felt like. You can breathe again,” she said. “Letting him go and the pain — I felt that. And that is something I will never forget.”
